


Offerings

by kelex



Series: Diary [3]
Category: The Sentinel
Genre: Angst, M/M, Series
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-05-10
Updated: 2013-05-10
Packaged: 2017-12-11 07:16:53
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,694
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/795347
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kelex/pseuds/kelex
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Two weeks after Jim's return, he offers Blair the chance to see what was going on in his head while he was gone.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Offerings

## Offerings

by Kel

Author's website:   
<http://crystalshard24.tripod.com/sentinelindex.html>

The characters do not belong to me. They belong to Pet Fly Studios. I am making no money from this; I am doing it for sheer love of the characters and my own personal fulfillment. 

Spoilers for the first two stories; you really should read them first.

This story is a sequel to: The First Stand & The Flip Side 

* * *

Jim looked down at the cover of the green notebook on the dining room table in front of him. He'd never touched it since he'd come home, but kept it locked away at work in his desk, somewhere Blair wouldn't find it. He could have left it out in plain sight; Blair wouldn't have touched it and Jim knew it, but he couldn't take that chance. Not until he was ready. 

Now, two weeks later, he was ready. Blair had been so wonderful since he'd come home; forgiving him, loving him, touching him and going out of his way to reassure the Sentinel that he was still loved and necessary in his Guide's life. 

In return, Jim was ready to offer something in return. His thoughts. The things that had gone through his mind when he'd left. He had deliberately decided to offer it to Blair, and leave the decision up to his lover. If Blair wanted to read it, he could. If not, the notebook would quietly vanish again, this time forever. 

He sat at the table, his fingers steepled in front of his eyes, focusing on the pads of flesh touching as he waited for Blair to come home. Some of the kid's music played in the background, the Aboriginal biorhythm music that Blair meditated to. Jim was trying it, and the sounds of the instrument was calming and soothing to his nerves. 

He wasn't sure how much time had passed before Blair's key slipped into the lock and the door opened. Jim didn't move, only looked up slightly to meet his lover's eyes as he came in. 

"Jim?" Blair was surprised to see the Sentinel so quiet, so still. The music startled him; usually Jim was demanding that it be turned off. He looked around; the loft was dark except for a few candles burning on the dining room table. "Jim? You okay? Why are you sitting here in the dark?" 

"Yeah, I'm fine." He dropped his hands to rest on either side of the green notebook. "Is it dark?" He paused, dialing his sight back down. Blair was right; the loft was dark and he hadn't noticed. He hadn't even noticed his sight compensating. 

"What's going on?" Blair asked, dropping his backpack across the back of the chair before sitting down across from Jim. 

Jim slid the notebook over towards Blair. "Here. I want you to read this, if you want to." 

Blair inspected the notebook, and then flipped it over, and then upright again. "What is it?" 

"The diary I kept while I was gone," Jim said softly, watching the reaction in his lover's eyes. 

Blair's eyes flared for a moment, his thoughts skittering through their blue depths. "Jim... are you sure?" he asked finally. He rested his hand on the cover of the notebook; he wasn't at all sure if he wanted to read it or not. But that Jim was offering it to him... it floored him. Was Jim dying? That was the only explanation that Blair could come up with as to why Jim was doing something so... out of character. "Jim?" he prompted. 

Jim nodded. "I'm sure, Blair. When I came home... I was so scared that I'd driven you away, that you were gone and I would be alone again." He leaned forward, and focused on the reflection of the candlelight in Blair's eyes. "I promised myself when the door opened and I saw you still standing there, and you kissed me and forgave me... I promised myself then and there that one day, I'd get up the balls to show this to you." 

Blair, in turn, watched the candlelight jumping and sliding over the strands of Jim's white pullover sweater, shivering as the sweater made him realize how cool it was in the loft. He opened his mouth to ask Jim about the temperature too, but as he looked at Jim, he realized something. _He's not even aware of what's going on... he is so zoned out on what he's doing here, nothing else is registering._ That scared Blair. 

He gripped the notebook in his hands, an inner war going on. _He's giving it to you... you should read it. You said you wanted to know what was going on in his head while he was gone... here's your chance._ _Yeah, maybe._ _What do you mean, maybe?_ _Look, I know what it's costing Jim to sit there and offer this to me, it's like he's going through the pain all over again! He's offering himself to me._ _Your point being?_ _My point being that it takes a lot for big Jim Ellison to trust someone enough to offer himself like this, and I don't want to let him down!_ His voices stopped arguing, and he thought. _Jim told you and you forgave him; can you stand knowing what his thoughts were? Once you read them, you can't go back; you'll know exactly what Jim thinks and feels about you._ With that thought, Blair's decision was made. "Jim... I'm going to read it. But I need to do it alone." 

"Alone," Jim echoed, steepling his fingers again. 

Blair almost thought again, but put his hand on Jim's shoulder. "I'm going into my old room; I won't be far, and you can listen in." 

"Thank you," Jim said softly, gratefully, as he tuned his hearing into Blair's heartbeat. He kept his eyes focused on his fingers, the music fading into the background as Blair's heartbeat grew in his ears. _I love you, Blair... please don't let this change us._

Blair sat down in front of the desk they'd moved into his old room. He put his glasses on, and leaned forward to pull the curtain down. He knew that Jim wouldn't look; he knew that when he walked out of this room he'd find Jim in exactly the same position as he was in now. The Sentinel was zoned out, and it was better that way, for both of them. 

The first words in Jim's diary floored him. //Sandburg usually keeps my thoughts for me but these things I can't tell him, he's not here and I can't keep them inside any longer.// 

"I didn't know that," Blair said, barely speaking aloud. He'd told Jim he could listen, but he doubted the Sentinel heard anything except his heartbeat. 

//Please don't let him realize he deserves better than me.// 

At that thought, Blair shook his head. _No way, man... there is nothing better than you!_

He kept reading, unbelieving of the things being revealed to him in his lover's own hand. 

//Too much time to remember.// 

_Jim... why didn't you say anything before now? How... how could you hold so much pain inside?_ He barely felt the tears falling down his cheeks as he thought of the things Jim had hidden from him for so long, out of fear. 

Jim heard the weeping coming from the other room, and stifled the urge to go to him. "But I need to do it alone," echoed in his ears. _Forgive me, Blair... forgive me for not coming to you._ Jim closed his ears to everything but Blair's heart, but the sound of Blair's sobs still remained, embedded in his head. 

//I'm not proud of what I did, Blair, but can you forgive me? I can't bear to lose you; it's like finding you and loving you is a way of reminding me of who I am, a human being, a Sentinel, protecting his tribe and his city. I need you to keep me alive, Chief.// 

A strangled laugh escaped through the tears; _Even in his thoughts, he calls me Chief. Jesus, Jim... I just never knew... never knew how much you needed me. How... what would you have been if I hadn't found you?_ He scrubbed the tears away before they fell on the pages, smearing them. _Would you even still be alive, with all this baggage suffocating you?_

//I hear every thud of my heart and I can't stand hearing just one beat anymore; I need your heart with mine, Chief. I need your heart with mine to remind me that I still have you... to remind me I'm not alone. I've been alone too long, Blair, been alone ever since I was a kid and I'm so tired, Chief, so tired of being alone all the time.// 

Blair's heart constricted as he read those words. _I know how you feel, Jim... I've been alone ever since I was a kid and Naomi decided I cramped her style. I won't let you be alone ever again, big guy... I make you that promise._ "never alone again, Jim," he whispered. "never alone again." 

At the table, Jim's head raised from where he'd rested it on his steepled fingers. "Never alone again, Jim," drifted to him on the beats of his lover's heart. _He loves me; he'll never let me be alone again,_ Jim thought to himself. His hands tightened around each other, still fighting the urge to go to Blair. 

//You'll finally get to see the real me, Chief... I just hope you don't run screaming into the night.// 

Blair shook his head, the tears crowding his eyes again. _The real you, Jim, is more beautiful than I could have imagined... hurt, scarred, and human, just like me... just like me. You had your fears and I had mine, and together we banished each other's fears... or will,_ he amended. "Or will," he muttered aloud. 

//I keep searching for the beat of your heart; I know it's there, I know what it sounds like but I can't cut through all the noise, there's just too much of it. The same with your scent; I know it as well as I know my own and I cannot find it through everything else.// 

_Dear God... he was losing it! He was losing his grounding, losing his ability to control it... because we were apart. Can I be that much a part of him?_ Blair almost dropped the book and bolted to check on his Sentinel, but he had to finish. _If I don't go all the way, I will regret it the rest of my life._ He contented himself with standing and peering over the curtain, seeing Jim sitting still at the table, his back to the curtain, just as he had been all night. 

Blair sat back down, scrubbing his eyes once more, determined to read the last entry. 

//And I told you everything, Chief, and the forgiveness in your eyes and in your voice when you told me you didn't care; what I had done was the past and it was forgiven, that meant more to me than I can say. Far more to me. Of course I didn't say anything, I never do, but I could tell by the look on your face that you knew. And you forgave me for that too, forgave me for not speaking. So much in my world for you to accept, Blair, and you do it without question for my sake. I don't know how I was so lucky to ever find you, Blair Sandburg, but I will fight to my death to keep you.// 

The composition book fell from his hands as he curled in on himself, rocking softly in his chair and sobbing. _I can't believe I ever doubted you, Jim,_ he said, his stomach churning. He felt like screaming. _You asked me for forgiveness... I'm the one who should be asking you to forgive me! Dear Jim... my dear Jim... I could forgive you for anything. I would forgive you for anything... I will not doubt you again, Jim, I promise you that._ "No doubts, Jim... never again." He doubled over, his nails digging into his thighs through his jeans as he silently keened. 

Jim raised his head again at the quiet whisper. _He doubted me but he still stayed... he waited for me and forgave me even though he doubted. Blair... my angel, you are my saint._

Blair let the physical anguish rock him until finally, the urge to scream had passed. He let his grip on his thighs ease, and the pain was refreshing, bringing him back to what he had to do. He picked up the book, and read the last paragraph of the last entry. 

//Maybe one day, I'll show you this, so you know why I had to go. So you'll understand better why I couldn't stay and why I needed to know these things for myself. I know you'll never ask me again what went on in my head while I was gone, and for me to offer it to you would mean the world to you, I know. Maybe one day.// 

"oh Jim... not just the world... it means everything to me," he said, laying the green notebook reverently on the desk. "You risked all for me, Jim," he continued, not sure if the Sentinel would hear or not, not sure if he wanted the Sentinel to hear. "You risked it all for me and then you risked it again by giving this to me and letting me read it; you knew I needed to know." 

Out in the dining room, Jim closed his eyes as he listened to Blair's raspy voice. The CD had ended, and the Sentinel had not moved to change or restart it. "You're worth it all to me," he said softly. "There's nothing that I wouldn't do for you." His voice was deep and quiet, but it reached Blair in the silence of his temporary sanctuary. 

Blair got up, and carried the notebook with him. He came up beside Jim, and put the notebook on the table in front of the Sentinel as he took Jim by the hand. "Come with me," Blair said quietly, and Jim followed. 

Blair sat on the couch, and pulled Jim down beside him. Instantly he found himself engulfed in the Sentinel's arms as Jim pulled him over. He didn't fight it, instead wrapping his own arms around Jim's waist and holding tightly. "I heard you crying, and I wanted to go to you," Jim said, tucking Blair's head under his chin. "But I couldn't; you said you wanted to be alone and I had to honor that." 

Blair nodded as he snuggled against the soft nubbly weave of Jim's sweater. "Thank you." If Jim had come in, he would not have refused the Sentinel's comfort, and yet he would not have finished the diary either. And he had to do that. "Jim... I will never let you be alone again. Never doubt you again. I will never drop you off the cliff and let you lose your senses again. I swear to you, Jim." 

Jim's arms tightened around Blair. "I love you, Blair... I will never leave you like that again, and I will never hurt you again... those things I swear to you." He looked at the book on the table. "Do you want to keep it?" 

Blair lifted his head to look at Jim. "Yeah, man. I do want to keep it." 

"Then it's yours," Jim said, pressing Blair's head back down, cuddling him closer. 

Blair's head rose again. "Do you want to read mine?" he asked, his eyes flashing a brief surge of fear. 

Jim shook his head. "I have everything I need to know right here in my arms," he said, running his fingers through Blair's hair before kissing him softly. 

* * *

End Offerings by Kel: dragonbane4@aol.com

Author and story notes above.

  
Disclaimer: _The Sentinel_ is owned etc. by Pet Fly, Inc. These pages and the stories on them are not meant to infringe on, nor are they endorsed by, Pet Fly, Inc. and Paramount. 


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